Positive Vibes

Today I was thinking about some of the best advice I've ever gotten. I've been given a lot of advice over the years, some I've taken on board and some I haven't. Some has worked and some hasn't. I started thinking about someone I met in hospital, a nurse actually... Now she was very similar to me in terms of our personalities, we believed in the same things, we were both feminists, both huge lovers of nature- we got along really well.

Unfortunately, during my hospital stay things didn't go from bad to better, instead they went from bad to worse, to better, to worse, to bad, to better, that sort of thing. It wasn't a straight line to recovery, it was really up and down and at one point I found myself quite stuck. I couldn't move forward in my recovery any more and I was only getting worse. She sat me down and I cried to her and she told me, if you don't want it, then what's the point? If you don't want to get better, then how can we help you? I was quite shocked at first. A bit upset maybe, but it was what I needed. Exactly what I needed.

I thought and thought about it and it was so true. If I didn't want to get better then what was the point of them trying to help me? Me being in hospital? What was the point in any of it? In reality there wasn't one. Yes there were practicalities like keeping me safe, but apart from that, there was no other benefit for me to be there if I was refusing to help myself. It was a bit of a metaphorical slap across the face, it woke me up and made me realise, I need to do this for me.

From that point, I locked away my negative diary, I bought a new one and started a positive diary. Every day, maybe more than once a day I would write something positive. For example, I went on leave and it went horribly wrong. I thought, I'm never going to get better ever, this is it. But instead, I got back to the hospital, took out my positive diary and instead of writing 'I'm never going to get better, I can't handle being out in the community, this life isn't for me,' I wrote, 'I managed to go on leave for the first time today but I made it back to the unit, I'm safe, I have staff around me and I'm okay now.' Nothing bad happened to me, not physically any way.

The next time I tried it went slightly better, I had a wobble towards the end but I got back to the unit, got out my positive diary and wrote again 'I had my second lot of leave today, I had a wobble but I'm back on the unit, I'm safe and nothing bad happened to me.'

I did this every time I came back from the unit. I also wrote in it any day any way, just to keep the positivity flowing. At first it made me feel sick. Physically sick to my stomach. I hated being positive, it was the opposite of what I felt, I hated even the word. I dreaded writing in that god damn diary. But the staff persevered, the certain staff member read through it and encouraged me. You know what I found? People were more proud of me and routing for me more when I was trying and doing better and that feeling was great. It made me want to try harder and so I did, I kept writing and writing and eventually I actually began to believe in recovery. I had moments when I felt positive and when I wanted to get better.

Nonetheless, I still had a difficult time and I wasn't positive all the time, but I was slowly getting better each day. I still have that diary and I don't need it so much any more because I do feel better in myself, without having to write in the diary. On bad days, or maybe days when I feel something is worth writing down, I'll take out the diary and scribble something down. Even if it's a few sentences. It makes a whole lot of difference, in my opinion any way.

"Appreciate everything that you have."

Stay strong fighters x